The simplest definition of emotionally abusive behavior is anything that intentionally hurts the feelings of another person. Since almost everyone in intimate relationships does that at some time or other in the heat of an argument, emotionally abusive behavior must be distinguished from an emotionally abusive relationship, which is more than the sum of emotionally abusive behaviors.

Abusive adult relationships are surprisingly common, where one partner acts in a way that causes distress to the other.

Forms of abuse
Relationships can become abusive where one person psychologically and/or physically abuses the other.

Physical abuse
Physical abuse creates pain, harm and distress, and includes:

Invading body space and standing over the other person in a threatening manner.
'Mock' physical abuse, such as raising hand as if to strike, 'just missing' and sudden movements.
'Accidentally' causing distress or harm by such as touching, pushing, bumping and tripping.
Aggressively and directly harming by such as punching, gripping, cutting and burning.
Psychological abuse
Psychological abuse causes such as fear, negative self-image, and feelings of helplessness, and includes:

Criticizing actions and decisions.
Telling them they are stupid and lack intelligence.
Telling them they are unattractive.
Calling them names, comparing them with people in low social positions.
Criticizing them in front of others.
Weakened resistance

The abused person typically has their ability and desire to resist or even leave severely weakened by the methods such as:

Nit-picking, criticizing them for every little thing.

Exhausting demands that require long hours of work.

Waking them up from deep sleep.

Criticizing the person's character, indicating they are wholly incompetent.

Guilt trips, blaming them for things which go wrong.

Random acts of violence that leave the abused person constantly in uncertainty and fear.

Occasional acts of kindness that prove they are 'not all bad'.

Threatening to throw them (and the children) out on the streets.

Repeatedly dragging up 'things done wrong' in the past.

Saying that if the abuser leaves the person will be devastated, lose their job or otherwise harmed.

Threatening extreme acts if the abused leaves (and blaming them for it), such as 'suing for everything', killing the abuser or committing suicide themselves.

The weakened person hence falls into a position of learned helplessness where they see no hope of change and no opportunity to leave.

Control
Abuse is often about control. The abuser may hence act in many different way to exert control at every level, such as:

Dictating what the other person wears.

Deciding who they can be friends with.

Selecting or stopping hobbies and other activities.

Expecting them to do all work around the home.

Choosing when and what they will do together.

Randomly checking up on the other person ensure they are complying with demands.

Interrupting and dragging them out of their social engagements.

Expect to be considered first in all decisions.

Taking charge of all money and spending.

Being strict time-keepers.

Punishing any deviance from strict obedience.

Making the person wait whilst the abuser carries on a separate life.

Isolating the person, separating them from any social support.

Demanding and forcing sexual acts.

Progressive abuse
The abuser may well start with minor abuse, such as expecting the other person to do something and being a bit upset if it is not done. When the other person complies, the abuser moves to a gradually higher level of abuse. Like the proverbial boiled frog, before long the abused person has accepted harsher and harsher treatment until what would once have been unacceptable abuse is now accepted as normal and even 'reasonable'.

Abusers may be attractive at first because of their strength and control. They act in a highly protective way and are seen to defend the other person. This can become unacceptable in their jealous guarding of the person they come to see as their 'property'. This leads to severing of relationships with pretty much everyone and so isolates the abused person further, giving them no social support and depressing them further into accepting the abusive situation without question.

The abused person
If you are abused person, you need to get a perspective on the situation. If you clearly recognize what is happening from the above notes, then you are likely being abused. If you are not sure (and perhaps anyway) then get professional advice.

A trap is to believe that it is all your fault. This is what the abuser likely wants you to believe. The first thing you have to start doing is to change your thinking.

It can be difficult to try to stop the person, who is likely quite skilled at what they are doing. Telling them what they are doing and how you feel may make them realize that it is bad and stop doing it. But it is more likely that they will simply increase the level of abuse in order to try to push you back into the subservient role.

A more practical solution, at least for a while, may be to get away. If you can stay with friends or family, this will give you respite and help you escape from the distorted thinking that the situation has forced upon you.

At some point, you will have to tell other people about what is going on. This can be scary as you may fear the shame or the consequences if your partner finds out. This is one reason why it can be helpful to talk to a professional. Family and friends can sometimes try to help but end up making things worse.

Trust is a critical question for you. You have likely had the trust knocked out of you, so you have to decide who you can really trust. While family and friends can be problematic, it can still be very helpful to find someone who will listen without over-reacting and who will work with you to resolve the situation.

Family and friends
If you are a friend or family member of the abused person, your natural reaction may be to wade in and confront the abuser. This may be effective, but it can also make things far worse so you do need to take care.

The best thing you can do short-term is to just listen to the person, take them seriously and let them stay with you if that seems best. If the situation seems hazardous, particularly with any significant physical abuse, then you may decide to call in the professionals, including the police.

Abuser
If you are abusing another person and want to stop, yet find it difficult to do this, there are things you can do.

There is help out there for abusers as well as abused people, although it may be more difficult to find. If you can, get support. It may difficult for you to talk about what you have done as, even if you have blamed the other person, inside you know that you are are the guilty party. The shame of this and perhaps the fear of punishment can prevent any action.

If you do care in some way for the other person, then you can perhaps talk with them (although do understand they may well not trust you). Getting professional help can be a good idea here, for example where a counselor can help you restart a healthy discussion.

Thinking about the collateral damage can help motivate you. Consider the children and the effects on them of what they may have seen or heard. Also remember that you may be found out or the abused person may turn on you.

If you find it difficult to stop yourself, you may even decide to move away or encourage your partner to move.